Is WLW For You?

Women Loving Widowers encourages new members. We typically have an open door and we welcome all new members. New women enter our site and ask for support weekly. We always welcome and try to oblige. They are confused by the struggles that this relationship brings and they are concerned that what they are feeling is selfish and not normal. They want to know that they are not alone. We assure all new members that they aren't. Some, however, are alone. Typically, there is a decision period whereby the new woman will decide, do I really want to be a member here? Is this site for me? 

The new members (as we all have been) tell their stories and no matter what these stories reflect, the reality is for many in these examples: the widower is not letting go. The LW was the love of his life, his soul mate and his world. He refuses to part with her things, he refuses to put the bridal portraits away, he will not take off his wedding ring, his kids will not accept his new woman and the list goes on. But all the while, he is supposed to be involved in a loving committed relationship with someone new. YOU! This is awfully confusing, isn't it? 

The truth is, this "someone new" is a special, viable, living human being who deserves to be happy. That is what we do here, we encourage the new woman to be happy. We encourage this by advocating speaking up for one self. We advocate this by pointing out certain widower behaviors that aren't considered by the majority of the women on this board to be tolerable because they aren't in the new woman's best interest. You deserve the the best out of this primary life relationship in which you are currently involved. Bottom line is, widower behavior is not normal when the man decides he loves you. This behavior is not normal because in order to emotionally bond with someone new, the bond he once had with his LW, can no longer exist. It can't exist, if he truly wants to be your partner. The bond with his LW may have once existed, but it can no longer be part of his current reality. 

After a while, there is decisiveness that occurs. Sometimes the new member gains strength and really places herself upon a pedestal and seeks to demand that this widower she loves, do the same for her. This occurs in various different ways and sometimes takes a long while to happen. This is what we love to see happen. This is what this board is all about - it's encouraging one another to expect the best out of life, from any man. You don't make exceptions just because he is a widower. 

Often times the new member decides to defend her man and his widower behaviors. She will blame outwardly the women on this site and she sometimes will protest, "I am compassionate, so I allow him to talk about his LW, to cry over her, to leave her toiletries in the bathroom, to leave her pictures on the bedroom wall (in a room where I sleep with him), to bring flowers to her grave on Valentine's day (when I don't receive any), to wear his wedding ring, to keep me a secret from the world, to shut himself off from the living from time to time to mourn for his LW instead of spending quality time with me, to refuse to correct rude children who are grieving their mother ...and unfortunately, this list is not all encompassing. 

I ask you, if the above are the behaviors you are supposed to accept, if this acceptance is defined by you as "being compassionate"..... then why does it make you feel so bad? It is possible to have compassion for your man, time and situation appropriate. However, true compassion does not co-exist with hostility. True compassion does not end with feelings of worthlessness. It is truly OK to question your sense of compassion and DRAW THE LINE when the behavior your man exhibits is not in your best interest. This does not mean that you are lacking in compassion, it means you have a certain level of self-respect. 

In addition, there is also a desire by some members to point out to the board that "my man is wonderful". I'm sure he is a wonderful person, but not all wonderful men treat their new woman with the respect she deserves. Often times, he is not always respectful and the reason is because his wife died. OK, so just how wonderful is he? Who is he wonderful to? His LW's memory or you? 

Typically what tends to happen to those who confuse compassion with martrydom is that the confusion occurs out of pretense. It isn't normal to be compassionate and then feel anger, jealousy, and rage as a result. The false sense of compassion comes at your own expense. If you really are that compassionate, then you would not be here. You would not be here simply because none of the widower behaviors would bother you. 

I think that sometimes new women join us and they want us to help them figure out how to continue on in a relationship whereby the man is emotionally bound to his dead wife and, unfortunately, I for one ..... just don't know how to do that. They also want us to vent with them and say, "yes, I know what you mean. All widowers are alike". We don't know how to do that here because we offer SOLUTIONS. 

I think that we all really try our best to support one another, but we do it in the spirit of not losing the self. Once you lose yourself and cloak this loss as a pretense called compassion, then I am truly sorry for you and there isn't anything that this board can do for you. So as a new member of this site, understand that you will be challenged by the membership of this site. Challenged not to sell yourself short. Challenged to demand to be treated with the utmost love, care and respect. If this widowed man of yours cannot give this to you, then we will help you see to it that you gain it for yourself.  

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