By: Glenda
I think everyone would recognize the title of this article as the last sentence spoken by each party when they exchange their marital vows. When my husband and I were married we had a choice of prayers, readings, psalms, as our marital vows to be spoken at our wedding. Our final sentence to each other was, "I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." This was our marital vow choice "B." Why was this vow chosen over the words reflected in the title of this article? I guess, for us it was a softer version of what "till death do us part" really means. However, in my mind, I believed and still do, with my whole heart and soul, that I will choose to love my husband and honor him all the days of my life, even if his is no longer. Some may say that my thought process is naive and maybe it is, however, as I sit here today, I most likely would chose never to remarry. My choice, my perogative, and my mind to be changed if this hard reality were to ever befall me; I hope with all my being that it does not. I am sure that there are many widowed people who felt the way I currently do when they were married to their spouse who died. But, for them the truth of the final vow spoken becomes a reality. They are now free to love, honor and cherish someone else. They no longer have to forsake all others and they are free to date, live with, and marry somebody else.
For the vast majority of the widowers that we are introduced to on this site, by the women they are currently involved in relationships with, the forsaking all others part of the marital vow was easily broken - in many instances less than one year after their late wife's (LW's) death. Some women have joined WLW involved with widowers whose wives have died less than six months ago, less than 3 months ago, and we even have had some who have come here in relationships with men who's LW has been gone a mere three weeks. Not passing judgment here but merely stating facts. If pursuit of a relationship is this simple, then one would believe that the loving, the honoring and the cherishing of the LW is no longer being practiced. However, we often times find that men are happy to no longer have to forsake all others but somehow want to hold on to and bring their LW's memory with them into the new relationship. I do understand this. My perogative and my choice is to love my husband and honor him all the days of my life - meaning that my choice then should be to remain single and not become involved in a relationship of any substance - forever.
This is often the quandary that we see on this site: We have men who are eager to be in relationship with a new woman, but are unwilling to be their partner. They still love their LW's and feel that it is their right to infringe this love upon the new relationship. To the widower I say, "Go back and re-read your marital vow!" It is no longer your right to impose the love you've had for your LW onto your new woman and the relationship you're forming with her, because you are no longer married. If you want to practice that right, then join me in my perogative. Once the decision is made to no longer forsake all others, then your responsibility to the new woman chosen is to love, honor and cherish only her!
Is the right to love a memory wrong? I believe that it is absolutely not wrong. We can love whomever we want to love, but in this situation, feeling love for someone else who is no longer here isn't going to get you very far in the new relationship. Caring, loving and maintaining fond memories is absolutely appropriate. Actively loving and having feelings of cheating on your LW because you are involved with, and supposedly in love with someone new, is simply ridiculous. Re-read the title of this article. However more often than not, the widower has unresolved feelings that he is cheating on his wife. He has unresolved grief issues to work through and it would have been better had he taken the time to work on his problems before entering a new relationship of any substance. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world.
There are many women who come to this site and say, "I feel like a mistress; I feel second; I feel like I will never measure up; I cannot compete with her memory; I don't feel loved; she was the love of his life; she was his soul mate; I feel like he is still married.... the list goes on. The problem is, that in his mind and in his heart, he very well may still be married. If that is the case, remind him that the vow is "till death do us part." If he can't honor that part of his vow that was exchanges at the time of marriage to his LW, then ask yourself why do you stay with a man who makes you feel that you are doing something wrong? If you don't want to be with a married man, then don't be. There is nothing at all wrong with expressing your feelings to him because frankly, you are right, he is no longer married and if he wants to act that way and talk that way, then that is his perogative. It should also be yours to let him know that you deserve better and pursue a man who makes you feel as if he would not be able to live through your leaving this world.
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